K: i loves ya.
Me: or else I would have to kick yo ass
K: you couldn't take me. i share your brain.
Me: what the fuck ever
K: i'd know your every move.
Me: I would so beat your ass
K: nu-unh.
Me: bitch, I would snap you like a twig
K: cause i'd make you laugh and then we'd watch porn. and forget about fighting.
Me: yeah that's the truth. yay for porn
K: whatcha doin tonight other than being in porn?
Me: goin to L's and watching a movie and then shooting Poke-a-hot-ass 4
K: lol

K: who loves ya!
K: kimi loves ya!
Me: you do!!!!
K: oh yeah
K: say my NAME bitch
Me: oh yeah
Me: that's the spot
K: where's the spot?
K: (say my name)
Me: KIM!!!!!!!!!
K: oh yeah. you know you want it
K: LOUDER *slap*

K: i have a cock necklace to send you.
Me: I was just thinking today that I needed a cock necklace
K: no you were thinking you needed a cock. lol
Me: yeah you're right
K: i know. cause i thought it too. we share a brain right

Phone conversation with K (slightly paraphrased cause I don't have a perfect memory. Lay off me!!!):
K: Wouldn't it be awesome if they had prositute Olympics on like ESPN or something?
Me: Dude, that would be hysterical. I would totally watch that!
K: They could have like different events like handjobs, blowjobs, girl-on-girl action. . .
H: Anal, deep-throating. . .
K: yeah totally! Could you imagine what the trophy for the "World's Best Blowjob" would look like?
H: it would rock! And we could compete, and we would totally tie for gold in every event!
K: yeah, cause we love the cock!
H: Duh!
K: Could you imagine trying to get guys to be judges for something like that??
H: that would be easy, but who would you choose? you couldn't use virgins cause they have nothing to compare it to. every blowjob is the best one in the world to a virgin.
K. it would rule to have that tropy on my mantle. great conversation starter at parties.

Said by my college band director as 30 or so prospective high school students and their parents sat in for rehearsal for a recruiting thing:

"If you four can get together and have a quickie sometime that would be great."
I tried my darndest not to laugh. Well, I tried. I didn't succeed.

So I went to see an opera last night ("Cossi fan tutte" by Mozart) and one of the lead males is a completely flaming queer and he was playing this straight guy and it was seriuosly damn hysterical. He had to keep telling himself backstage, "I am straight. I am straight. I am straight."

Earlier today, one of my guy friends dropped his chap stick and called it lip gloss. Hahaha. That is all.

Tonight at Chili's talking about how I need to burp:
Me: "Dude, it's going to come when it wants to. There's no coaxing it or warning. When it wants to come, it comes."
L: "So, you haven't been able to make it come on command, huh?"

Me: I feel the desire to dye my hair very red
K: do it. Tell me the color and I’ll do mine the same!
Me: Then we can be hair twinkies
K: it’ll be like we’re sisters!
K:lol
K: jinx
Me: I dyed it strawberry blonde, but it wasn’t different enough and no one noticed
K: I know, I read it in your diary
Me: to me, it looks TOTALLY different, but whatever
K: I would have noticed
Me: I know you would :)
K: fuck ‘em
K: right up the ass
Me: lol
K: without lube
K: not even spit
Me: *snort*

K: so congrats on the ***** breakup thing.
K: ^5!!!
Me: lol
Me: I shouldn't be celebrating. But I am
K: i know. me too.
Me: for some reason, it just feels so good
K: joyous revenge. his stupid fucking relationship.
Me: Hell yeah
K: muhuhahahaha
Me: I mean seriously, what the fuck was he expecting dating a 20 year old?? He was SURPRISED that she was immature and annoying??
K: lol. no kidding.
Me: I saw her this morning and she was crying. HAHA BITCH.
Me: sorry that was just evil
K: yesssss
Me: I'm going to Hell for that one
Me: but it feels so goooood
K: honey, you were going to hell long before that.
K: lol.
Me: yeah, you're right
K: you know i'm right.
Me: I just want to go up to him and laugh in his face and say, "See?? See what you missed out on? TOO LATE MOTHERFUCKER!"
K: like rip off your shirt and be like "check it out baby, this is what you missed out on"
Me: LOL
Me: "YOU'RE NEVER HAVE THESE BABIES!"
K: damn straight.
Me: fucker

I hope one day to fully answer that question. For now, I'll just leave you with strange and funny IM conversations, things I overhear, or real-life conversations that I deam meritable and worthy of being on the internet for all to enjoy!