Me, talking to my cat: Henry, you're soooooo soft! How did you get so soft and cuddly? You're like velvet. . .so shiny and soft and smooth!

Oh my God, what is wrong with me? I'm talking to my fucking cat. Again. I need to get a life.

(several months ago, but still noteworthy)

B: Will you love me forever?
Me: You bet your sweet ass I will!

Yeah I kinda forgot about this thing. I'll try to remember to post something on here a little more frequently than once a year from now on. Rock.

B: "You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Like a Muppet. Or an Ewok."
Me: "Wouldn't it be so cool if we were muppets? We could have adventures, and travel, and have our own show, and be in the Muppet Band!"

B: "You don't have to get me drunk to take advantage of me. I'm easy!"
Me: "Easy like Sunday morning?"
B: "Awwwww yeah."

Overheard by extremely loud old lady at Steak-n-Shake:
"She was on her back so much, I'm surprised she didn't wear it out!" hehehehe
and the clincher:
"Sometimes you just have to do it. You just have to turn your head, swallow it, and get it over with."
BWAHAHAHAHAHA

K: i loves ya.
Me: or else I would have to kick yo ass
K: you couldn't take me. i share your brain.
Me: what the fuck ever
K: i'd know your every move.
Me: I would so beat your ass
K: nu-unh.
Me: bitch, I would snap you like a twig
K: cause i'd make you laugh and then we'd watch porn. and forget about fighting.
Me: yeah that's the truth. yay for porn
K: whatcha doin tonight other than being in porn?
Me: goin to L's and watching a movie and then shooting Poke-a-hot-ass 4
K: lol

K: who loves ya!
K: kimi loves ya!
Me: you do!!!!
K: oh yeah
K: say my NAME bitch
Me: oh yeah
Me: that's the spot
K: where's the spot?
K: (say my name)
Me: KIM!!!!!!!!!
K: oh yeah. you know you want it
K: LOUDER *slap*

K: i have a cock necklace to send you.
Me: I was just thinking today that I needed a cock necklace
K: no you were thinking you needed a cock. lol
Me: yeah you're right
K: i know. cause i thought it too. we share a brain right

Phone conversation with K (slightly paraphrased cause I don't have a perfect memory. Lay off me!!!):
K: Wouldn't it be awesome if they had prositute Olympics on like ESPN or something?
Me: Dude, that would be hysterical. I would totally watch that!
K: They could have like different events like handjobs, blowjobs, girl-on-girl action. . .
H: Anal, deep-throating. . .
K: yeah totally! Could you imagine what the trophy for the "World's Best Blowjob" would look like?
H: it would rock! And we could compete, and we would totally tie for gold in every event!
K: yeah, cause we love the cock!
H: Duh!
K: Could you imagine trying to get guys to be judges for something like that??
H: that would be easy, but who would you choose? you couldn't use virgins cause they have nothing to compare it to. every blowjob is the best one in the world to a virgin.
K. it would rule to have that tropy on my mantle. great conversation starter at parties.

Said by my college band director as 30 or so prospective high school students and their parents sat in for rehearsal for a recruiting thing:

"If you four can get together and have a quickie sometime that would be great."
I tried my darndest not to laugh. Well, I tried. I didn't succeed.